Letter to my Bully

Hey little blog,

So, coming down from this 20 day Manic Episode has been really revelationary!
I have done some things that I would never normally be able to do, as my anxiety always stopped me before!

⭐I wrote a message to a random guy who sent me a friend request on Facebook! We chatted for a few days, before a friend helped me realise that he was a bloomi' CATFISH! But I got the last laugh, as I copied one of the other photos of 'him' from the scammer site and pinged it back to him saying 'is this you?' he then tried to back-track and was like 'where did you get that from?' but I delivered the final blow of googling the photo of his 'son' and sharing with him that actually his name is not Luther, it's Mark!! He blocked me and I deleted the conversation and photos of him! Thankfully I didn't feel like sharing any personal info with him - relied to know that 'manic me' has quite a lot of self control!! 🤣🤣
I managed to bounce back after the initial shock and sadness at being lied to had passed - plus it's been a great learning tool for my kids - you never know if the person on the other end is legit or a liar! 😉

⭐The second things that is pretty 'out there' for me is the burning desire I've had to send the girl who bullied me at school a letter! I guess 14 years of waiting has finally bubbled over now that 'manic me' got released!
I came to an agreement with my psych nurse, that if I write the letter, he would take it away and show it to my psychiatrist - then when I am much calmer, I can either sent it or burn it!

I accidently printed out 2 copies of the letter last night! So while the kids were out at summer club thingy this morning, I decided to go out onto the patio and BURN IT! Watching all of that anger (I must admit, I was more contained and calmly stating facts, rather than mouthing off and swearing heaps like I did in a letter to my ex last week - don't worry I didn't send it! It went off with my psych nurse as well!)

Firstly, 'manic me' thought the fire bit was AWESOME!! But safety conscious as ever, I had my jug of water at the ready 😉 Unfortunately I couldn't get to our BBQ, as I'd have done it in there! I did use quite a few matches, as it was a little windy, but sooo worth it!
Secondly, watching my words go up in flames was such a release! Like I could see 14 years of hatred finally leaving my soul and being carried off on the breeze! A truly 'Ahhh' moment!

So, I don't know if my bully will ever read the words that I finally put down on paper and to be honet I don't really care. She is the past. She can no longer hurt me, as I am strong and finally, I have moved on! 😄

Me, Myself and I

Hey little blog! Sorry it's been such a long time since I wrote here!
Well, being me, so many changes again! But the biggest one is that I finally have a diagnosis that makes sense!

For 19 years I have struggled with Chronic Depression - bouncing along from ok to severely depressed - all fine!
However, deep down I think I've always known that something else was going on, but I just couldn't put my finger on it - until last weekend!

I have had really bad insomnia for about 17 days now, but last weekend, I did some really erratic things (mostly on Sunday and Monday) and by Tuesday I had scared myself so much that I called doc and left a message for my psych nurse to get back to me asap! I have driven home from a friends house at 95mph, in the outside lane, music blaring, singing and getting angry with anyone who got in my way!! Soooo not me! I hate the outside lane and won't go over 80pmh, as travelling fast makes me feel ill!!

The doc I saw on Weds, agreed with my thinking, that I was on day 14/15 of a manic episode and that in all likelihood, I have bipolar-disorder! My thoughts were flying 500x the normal speed (like pressing fast-forward to the max and watching a TV show, trying to keep up! But, my senses are all on overdrive - so when I went on a walk to try and calm myself a little - I saw every blade of grass, every speck of dirt etc!

My CPN, Nigel (amazing bloke!! He's been helping me on and off since I did a mindfulness group therapy with him a few years back) anywho, he agreed and went back to the mental health unit to discuss options with a psychiatrist - as at that point, I had only had 25hrs sleep since Friday! No matter how busy I kept, I just couldn't switch off, despite my poor body crying out for rest!

I borrowed my sons fidget spinner and have had music on really quietly to drown out the noise if I'm outside! As one evening, I thought I could hear a water fountain - but we live on a busy main road of a town - so that wasn't possible! I then realised that what I could hear were the bubbles popping in the can of pop I had just opened!

We managed to go out to dinner on Sat, however I had to keep leaving and walking along the path outside - it was a sensory over load - firstly the amazing 60's diner decor, but a woman who in my head was shouting - I could hear her clearly talk to her son about the 'Route 66' sticker on the wall, the fact that she wanted him to finish what he was eating and then used the word yes in another bit of conversation - but this was all as i sat on the toilet, with 2 doors and 1/2 a busy restaurant between us!! (my mum ordered a pair of ear defenders for me, which arrived yesterday!)
I managed to go to the cinema with my mum and was fine, as the room was dark and it was just amazing!!

Then yesterday we went to a little craft show up in Henley - as I knew I wouldn't cope with the noise of big crowds - so we only had 1 1/2 hrs looking around, but it was amazing! I had major visual overload - like a little magpie flitting from one stall with shiny jewellery, to a gorgeous painting, to some amazing pottery and so on! 😄
As there were so few people, I was happy as Larry chatting away to all the different stall holders and taking away cards and leaflets- or asking to take photos for a visual reminder of them 😄 I was totally in my element - my poor mum though, went on without me and we met up when I had finished being a magpie! 😉

So, it's now Sunday and the tweak in meds has already started to work - I managed a blissful 9 hrs sleep last night!

Over the last few days, I've been sharing things that help me - like looking at me directly if your speaking - as i can see every micro-expression and know that what I have said has been heard and that I don't need to repeat myself! Also mindfulness - as I know I completely overwhelmed my mum between Sunday and Tuesday will all the thoughts and questions I kept firing at her - I explained though, that for every one thing I said, I had already had 50 thoughts to go with it!

I also came up with a great way of explaining what it feels like inside my head - 'Me, Myself and I!' but being very visual, I had to show what they looked like - and that 2 were the different sides of the bipolar, which a girl on the middle - waving a flag and trying to keep the balance - a referee I guess 😉
So, these are the 'parts' of me in my head:

On the Manic Side - a purple Minion!!
So this guy is completely nutts! He should be in his room - a room covered in padded pink and purple walls! Lying on his plank of wood - doesn't like soft or squishy anything! With a blanket, listening to heaving metal music through some big black headphones! He likes to be heard and is the one who interrupts me to point something out - but in his consistent and annoying way 😉
My 'peacekeeper/referee' got him back into his room on Friday night and welded the door shut! But the little bugger ate a hole in one of the walls - and got and and made a massive mess while I was sleeping!

On the Depressive Side - Marvin the Paranoid Android (from the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy)
As you can imagine, he is moody, lacks any enthusiasm for anything and if he's not sulking by his tree, he is tucked up in his bed with an un-touched mug of hot chocolate beside him.
I imagine he has a little cottage like the Mr Men live in - that kind of  style - little garden with a tree and a white picket fence, simple furniture etc! (when I used these to explain to my kids what was going on with mummy now - they added that Marvin would have a white car and his house would be black and white, to match his mood! Minion's car is purple, can jump like a kangaroo and goes very very fast!

Finally, trying to keep these 2 in check and in their own homes is Penny, my little Peacekeeper!

She is from the cartoon 'Inspector Gadget' though in my head she is wearing a baseball cap and denim overalls!
She carries a large flag - which has many uses
 - used to gag Minion as she tries to wrestle him back to his room
- as a 'battle' starter if she thinks that Marvin and Minion should sort things face to face! (though Marvin has been asleep since Friday and ignored her calls for battle completely! 🤣🤣)
- finally she uses the flag and ties it between 2 trees, so that once she has cleared up the mess that Minion/Marvin has made, she will lie in her flag hammock and fall asleep looking at the stars 😄

So, everyone is content and asleep now! I think it really helped my kids understand the news of my bipolar illness - as i described what they did and sounded like, with lots of giggles - plus their ideas of that world have been added into my picture too!

Little Man totally gets it and wants to say things directly to Minion - like 'you can't have my fidget spinner until later!' So I explained that he just needs to talk to me - as they are all part of me, up in my head, and can hear everything he says 😉 so at bedtime he said ' good night all of you!' sooo cute!!

Little Miss understands, but Minion scares her! Understandable really - he's literally completely nutts!! So I just reassured her that mummy is fine as Penny protects her! That Minion is in my thoughts - like when you dream at night! Plus, I told her that the docs have given mummy medicine that makes Minion sleepy! Which she was greatly comforted by!

I have loads more exciting news, but I'll save it for another day! xxx

I've found the silver lining!

Hello little blog!

Well, it's been a little while since I last wrote, but I'm happy to say that things seem to be getting back on track and I'm heading in the right direction again!

I worked out that the problem I was having was due to the HRT the gynae team put me on back in January! All those emotions that were causing me to go suicidal once a month (the whole reason they put me on the implant in the first place was to stop this happening 😉) have been building and building over the months until It's been right back to suicidal once a month again! Not much fun!

I accidentily ran out of my HRT last week (could have been the week before, I can't remember now! 😄) and the difference was staggering! In just 2 days of it being out of my system, I was sooo much better!
I still have to have a conversation with my doctor about this decision - he's been on holiday for a few weeks, but Nigel my mental health bloke seems happy enough!

Things seem possible again! I've even started making jewellery again - but that's another story!
I'm coping better with my kiddies - Little Man has been particularly challenging again - but that's an even longer story that I'll share another time!

Plus, the kids are off to their other grandparents tomorrow until Thursday!!! I am going to celebrate by having a blitz of their toys and starting to sort the house and 'Stoffice' out!
I sure know how to live life to the max hey!?! 😆

Well, that's all from me for now - will try and write again soon!

I think my 'rollercoaster' has broken down!

Hey little blog!

Things don't feel quite 'right' at the moment. I've just had another horrible bug, which wiped me out for a week. Little man and his volcano-eruptions have been really hard lately, plus I'm not sleeping right again and I feel just worn out.

It feels like I'm on one of those giant rollercoasters and we've just climbed up one of those big inclines, with a little plateau at the top, so you can take a breath and admire the pretty view. Then, just before we dive into a giant black tunnel, the rollercoaster has broken down.

So there we are dangling way up their in the air. Arms clamped down on the safety harness knowing that the 'impending doom' is looming just inches away from our noses. No sign of moving anytime soon, as who knows when the mechanic will be along to fix the problem!

One of my voluntary jobs has taken me off the rota as I've been ill so often the last few months, they don't want me stressing and rushing back too soon. I have this dread of letting people down, but I guess by always pushing myself too hard too soon, I burn out again pretty quickly and am no use to anyone!

I've stopped playing the online game Elvenar, which I loved for the social aspect - chatting to people all over the world! I just haven't had time to visit everyday like I used to. I already miss the friends I met there.

My pile of letters from League of Extraordinary Penpals is sat next to me, unopened and a constant reminder that I am letting people down there too, because they are waiting to hear back from me. 

I was buzzing a few weeks ago, when I started getting on with my '4mydadTony' challenge; finding aa personal trainer who is going to help me get fitter and marathon ready for 2020. But I feel exhausted and scared that I'm going to fail before I even begin.

A guess a lot of my anxiety in particular, comes down to the fact that I have to see the people from Universal Credits this week. Ever since I started Universal Credits back in February, all they have done is tell me that my little business is not 'gainful employment' and that maybe I should do something else instead. I have nothing else that I am fit for, as I'm too unreliable to be employed by anyone else. Every time I see them, they look at once piece of paper from all of the files that I lug back and forth, and make me feel like a complete failure. 

Maybe it's not surprising that my rollercoaster has broken down!

Perhaps I should take this time to take stock, rest and gather my strength, before zooming off onto the next bit of track my 'rollercoaster of life' has in store for me! 

What a difference 'belief in yourself' makes!

I can't believe it is now nearly 5 months since I made my life-changing decision to join the world of Forever and what a whirlwind journey it has been so far!

I can't believe how much I have managed to push myself, way beyond my 'comfort zone!' So I just wanted to share a few of the things that I have managed to do - not all of them are 'work' related either! Some of these things would have been absolutely impossible for me to do back in November 2017!

I have driven to Eastleigh on my own (about an hours drive!)
I have travelled to London on the train and managed to navigate the underground without having a panic attack!
I have driven to Southampton on my own!
I have driven to Milton Keynes on my own!
I have attended training events, with others and on my own!
I have spoken to people on skype and video calls!! That one was HUGE!!
I have started up conversations with complete strangers!
I have asked friends questions and extra questions, even when every fibre of my body was screaming at me that 'this really isn't a good idea' and that 'people will get annoyed at you! You're being bothersome!'
I have started learning again and I'm loving it!
I have set myself MASSIVE GOALS, which I WILL achieve!
I have decided to stop listening to the people at Universal Credits when they tell me that my little business isn't 'gainful employment' and basically that I am going to fail!
I have been strong for my family when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out!
I have had lots of fun and so many laughs!
I have met some truly AMAZING and inspirational people, whose passion for health and wellness is just infectious!
I have started back on my 'day zero project' which has been a lot of fun!
I finally feel like a 'real' mum!
I took care of my kids and my dad for a whole week while my mum was on a carers break (no one got food poisoning either!!)
I have found my purpose in life!
I have begun the process of re-connecting with people
I am working on a good work-life balance
I have had fun times with my kids - mini holidays, swimming fun, mammoth games of monopoly, trips to the lakes and sooo much more!
I even occasionally answer the house phone when it rings!
I have stayed strong when my Little Man has been on an emotional roller-coaster!
I even managed a few morning school runs!
I have started drinking aloe vera gel!
I have made contact with a personal trainer
I have booked a style 'make over' session, to learn how to dress for my shape and proportions - as I am totally clueless!
I have started making jewellery again!
I have found new friends through the League of Extraordinary Penpals!
I have prioritised things in my life - and watching TV has taken a back-seat a lot of the time!
I have found 'myself' again, after 5 long years of struggling and feeling lost!

I can't believe the difference a little self-belief with a smidgen of self-worth thrown in, has made!

My new BIG GOAL!

Hello little blog!

I am sooo excited about my latest challenge I decided to set myself, that I just had to share with you all!

One of the things that I have been encouraged to do since joining the Forever family is to set myself some goals!
To start off with I set myself the challenge to earn £200 in profits a month. I created a lovely dream-board so that I could have a visual reminder of what I am working for. It had things like new clothes (some of mine are older than Little Man and he'll be 9 in July!) new trainers and boots, plus things like family fun days out and saving up for our first family pet - a rescue dog or puppy! 😄

Although the motivation was sort of there, after a flying start in December, I had quite a quiet January and February. I didn't really have that burning desire to achieve those targets. It didn't really matter enough whether I hit them or not.

Well, over the course of one weekend back in February, all of that changed!
I went to a networking breakfast with my sponsor on the Friday at the Madejski Stadium in Reading. It was my first ever 'event' and I got talking to lots of different people, plus ran into a friend who I hadn't seen in ages (small world!!) it was really good fun!

One of the guest speakers was absolutely AMAZING! He spoke about how he set out to run a marathon to honour his father who had sadly passed away. He was just so inspirational and down to earth! I just got one of his books through the post today 'The Unnatural Networker' by Charlie Lawson - can't wait to start reading it!!

The very next day my sponsor and I headed off to a Success Event at the Ricoh Arena in Coventry! I HAD THE BEST DAY EVER!!!
Throughout the day we were given top tips and ideas to help us run our businesses, but by far the best bits of the day were getting to see the FBOs (Forever Business Owners) walking across the stage to receive their awards for all their hard work! There were people who had made it to Manager Level; there were people who were being recognised for their recruitment achievements; our top manager of the team I am part of was the number 8 business there!! Amazing day!
I also loved to hear the stories and journeys of some of the top FBOs in the UK - every story was unique, but all showed that with hard work and consistency, EVERYTHING is possible!

Well when I got home and started to process some of the information I had experienced over those two events, I suddenly realised what my WHY was! The reason WHY I needed to get up and do some work every single day! I couldn't believe that I hadn't thought of it before! My WHY was my DAD!!

For those of you who don't know, my dad has MS. He was diagnosed when I was around 16 years old (I just turned 36 😉) and he has been extremely lucky in that his MS has been very slow progressing.
The last few years has seen a dramatic change though; he's now wheelchair bound completely, is hoisted in and out of bed and has carers to help him morning and night.

The one place he still struggles the most is having to  transfer using a plastic 'banana board' so that he can get in and out of the car. Then either I or my mum have to get his heavy wheelchair into the boot of the car (he's 6ft 4, so has an extra large wheelchair to accommodate his long legs, bless him!)
It's not the easiest task - much harder for mum who has mobility issues of her own and I worry a lot about her struggling with dad's wheelchair when I'm not there.

So, inspired by Charlie Lawson's story, I decided that I was going to raise money to buy my dad a WAC (Wheelchair Accessible Car) From all of the amazing people I had heard from that weekend, I knew that I was going to have to do something BIG if I was going to achieve this! So, I have set myself the challenge of running in a MARATHON in 2020!! Not only that, but I am going to run in the Reading Half Marathon in 2019!

This may not seem like a big deal to lots of you, but what you have to bear in mind is that currently I am a couch potato! I am 19stone 10 (horrifying to actually admit that!!) and wear size 24 clothes!
I like to see this as another step in my 'get fitter and feel better' challenge that I have embarked upon this year. Also if I don't reach my goal amount (around £22K - I'm not doing anything by halves me heehee!) at least I will be a damn sight fitter than I am now! 😄

I have already taken steps to get me going!
I have started making healthier choices in my food intake - I figure good 'fuel' will help me more than just eating whatever - celery and carrots are now my new 'best friends!' 😉
I have also booked myself an appointment to see a personal trainer, as with the spinal injury I got a few years back, I know I need to be careful with what training I do!

So, if you're local to me, don't be surprised to see me puffing (and probably sweating - sorry if TMI!!) to the lakes and back - prob 2-3 times a week!

Wish me luck! Hugs xxx

My new self-employed life!

Hello little blog, sorry I have been neglecting you again!
So much has been going on lately!

I made a huge decision at the end of November 2017 - I decided to take a leap of faith and stated running my own business in the Health and Wellbeing industry and I am LOVING it!!

I found the company because a family friend had encouraged my mum to start using one of the supplements and he came to do a products party at our house - I loved it so much and thought that I could do that, so I asked him to sign me up the very next day!! I think I gave him a bit of a shock to be honest, as I didn't even want to see the business plan or how it all worked (I know, I never do things like 'normal' people, heehee!)

I had my first planning meeting with my up-line manager at the beginning of December and then she helped my launch my business on the 8th December with my first products party!!

Since then I have been on a roller-coaster ride of highs, lows, huge learning curves and soooo much fun! I am most happy that I am finally earning my own money again!
The last 5 years have been really hard for me, having to rely on benefits! I have been in paid employment since the age of 16 and have absolutely HATED relying on 'hand outs!' it's made me feel like such a failure! I have to remind myself that I didn't plan on getting a divorce, plus the moment I felt well enough I found myself voluntary work - so it wasn't like I've sat on my bum doing nothing for the last 3 years!

I'm also enjoying learning again! As I've only ever been employed in jobs where you get handed a payslip at the end of the month, having to sort out all of my finances myself has been quite a challenge ;-) I am working on my 'love-hate' relationship that I have with Microsoft Excel - for the first 2 months, I was sat working out my calculations using the calculator on my mobile phone!! haha! I'm now onto simple equations ;-)
I'm also learning about Network Marketing - not something I ever thought I would be doing if I'm honest, but soooo much fun!
Lastly, I am learning about the wonderful world of Aloe Vera! My new love!

I am blessed to be working with the most amazing, supportive team you could ever wish for! Plus the love and support of my friends and family has seen me through the tougher times, when I was convinced I had made a big mistake taking on this new challenge!

What I'm loving the most is being my own boss!!
I choose when I work and what I'm going to read, watch and listen to each day to help me grow both my knowledge and skills, but also personal goals like working on my confidence and self-belief!
I can still do my voluntary work at the soup kitchen for the homeless and the session each week at my local library - not many paid jobs would be flexible enough for that to happen and there was no way I was going to stop doing them ;-)

I still need to work a little on getting a good work-life balance, but it is already so much better than when I first started back in December!
I try to work when the kids are at school and then again in the evenings when they have gone to bed. Then it leaves me time for them! I have managed to do the school runs AND even some morning ones!! (big achievement that one!)
I have time to meet friends for coffee! I could never do that back when I was a teacher!

All in all, I have to say, becoming self-employed really was the best decision I ever made!

If you want to find out more about what I do, please check out my website:
http://melissa-alwaysandforever.flp.com

Hope you're all enjoying the glorious sunshine we've been having lately - I think Spring has finally sprung now :-D

Hugs to all xxx