Me, Myself and I

Hey little blog! Sorry it's been such a long time since I wrote here!
Well, being me, so many changes again! But the biggest one is that I finally have a diagnosis that makes sense!

For 19 years I have struggled with Chronic Depression - bouncing along from ok to severely depressed - all fine!
However, deep down I think I've always known that something else was going on, but I just couldn't put my finger on it - until last weekend!

I have had really bad insomnia for about 17 days now, but last weekend, I did some really erratic things (mostly on Sunday and Monday) and by Tuesday I had scared myself so much that I called doc and left a message for my psych nurse to get back to me asap! I have driven home from a friends house at 95mph, in the outside lane, music blaring, singing and getting angry with anyone who got in my way!! Soooo not me! I hate the outside lane and won't go over 80pmh, as travelling fast makes me feel ill!!

The doc I saw on Weds, agreed with my thinking, that I was on day 14/15 of a manic episode and that in all likelihood, I have bipolar-disorder! My thoughts were flying 500x the normal speed (like pressing fast-forward to the max and watching a TV show, trying to keep up! But, my senses are all on overdrive - so when I went on a walk to try and calm myself a little - I saw every blade of grass, every speck of dirt etc!

My CPN, Nigel (amazing bloke!! He's been helping me on and off since I did a mindfulness group therapy with him a few years back) anywho, he agreed and went back to the mental health unit to discuss options with a psychiatrist - as at that point, I had only had 25hrs sleep since Friday! No matter how busy I kept, I just couldn't switch off, despite my poor body crying out for rest!

I borrowed my sons fidget spinner and have had music on really quietly to drown out the noise if I'm outside! As one evening, I thought I could hear a water fountain - but we live on a busy main road of a town - so that wasn't possible! I then realised that what I could hear were the bubbles popping in the can of pop I had just opened!

We managed to go out to dinner on Sat, however I had to keep leaving and walking along the path outside - it was a sensory over load - firstly the amazing 60's diner decor, but a woman who in my head was shouting - I could hear her clearly talk to her son about the 'Route 66' sticker on the wall, the fact that she wanted him to finish what he was eating and then used the word yes in another bit of conversation - but this was all as i sat on the toilet, with 2 doors and 1/2 a busy restaurant between us!! (my mum ordered a pair of ear defenders for me, which arrived yesterday!)
I managed to go to the cinema with my mum and was fine, as the room was dark and it was just amazing!!

Then yesterday we went to a little craft show up in Henley - as I knew I wouldn't cope with the noise of big crowds - so we only had 1 1/2 hrs looking around, but it was amazing! I had major visual overload - like a little magpie flitting from one stall with shiny jewellery, to a gorgeous painting, to some amazing pottery and so on! 😄
As there were so few people, I was happy as Larry chatting away to all the different stall holders and taking away cards and leaflets- or asking to take photos for a visual reminder of them 😄 I was totally in my element - my poor mum though, went on without me and we met up when I had finished being a magpie! 😉

So, it's now Sunday and the tweak in meds has already started to work - I managed a blissful 9 hrs sleep last night!

Over the last few days, I've been sharing things that help me - like looking at me directly if your speaking - as i can see every micro-expression and know that what I have said has been heard and that I don't need to repeat myself! Also mindfulness - as I know I completely overwhelmed my mum between Sunday and Tuesday will all the thoughts and questions I kept firing at her - I explained though, that for every one thing I said, I had already had 50 thoughts to go with it!

I also came up with a great way of explaining what it feels like inside my head - 'Me, Myself and I!' but being very visual, I had to show what they looked like - and that 2 were the different sides of the bipolar, which a girl on the middle - waving a flag and trying to keep the balance - a referee I guess 😉
So, these are the 'parts' of me in my head:

On the Manic Side - a purple Minion!!
So this guy is completely nutts! He should be in his room - a room covered in padded pink and purple walls! Lying on his plank of wood - doesn't like soft or squishy anything! With a blanket, listening to heaving metal music through some big black headphones! He likes to be heard and is the one who interrupts me to point something out - but in his consistent and annoying way 😉
My 'peacekeeper/referee' got him back into his room on Friday night and welded the door shut! But the little bugger ate a hole in one of the walls - and got and and made a massive mess while I was sleeping!

On the Depressive Side - Marvin the Paranoid Android (from the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy)
As you can imagine, he is moody, lacks any enthusiasm for anything and if he's not sulking by his tree, he is tucked up in his bed with an un-touched mug of hot chocolate beside him.
I imagine he has a little cottage like the Mr Men live in - that kind of  style - little garden with a tree and a white picket fence, simple furniture etc! (when I used these to explain to my kids what was going on with mummy now - they added that Marvin would have a white car and his house would be black and white, to match his mood! Minion's car is purple, can jump like a kangaroo and goes very very fast!

Finally, trying to keep these 2 in check and in their own homes is Penny, my little Peacekeeper!

She is from the cartoon 'Inspector Gadget' though in my head she is wearing a baseball cap and denim overalls!
She carries a large flag - which has many uses
 - used to gag Minion as she tries to wrestle him back to his room
- as a 'battle' starter if she thinks that Marvin and Minion should sort things face to face! (though Marvin has been asleep since Friday and ignored her calls for battle completely! 🤣🤣)
- finally she uses the flag and ties it between 2 trees, so that once she has cleared up the mess that Minion/Marvin has made, she will lie in her flag hammock and fall asleep looking at the stars 😄

So, everyone is content and asleep now! I think it really helped my kids understand the news of my bipolar illness - as i described what they did and sounded like, with lots of giggles - plus their ideas of that world have been added into my picture too!

Little Man totally gets it and wants to say things directly to Minion - like 'you can't have my fidget spinner until later!' So I explained that he just needs to talk to me - as they are all part of me, up in my head, and can hear everything he says 😉 so at bedtime he said ' good night all of you!' sooo cute!!

Little Miss understands, but Minion scares her! Understandable really - he's literally completely nutts!! So I just reassured her that mummy is fine as Penny protects her! That Minion is in my thoughts - like when you dream at night! Plus, I told her that the docs have given mummy medicine that makes Minion sleepy! Which she was greatly comforted by!

I have loads more exciting news, but I'll save it for another day! xxx