I've found the silver lining!

Hello little blog!

Well, it's been a little while since I last wrote, but I'm happy to say that things seem to be getting back on track and I'm heading in the right direction again!

I worked out that the problem I was having was due to the HRT the gynae team put me on back in January! All those emotions that were causing me to go suicidal once a month (the whole reason they put me on the implant in the first place was to stop this happening 😉) have been building and building over the months until It's been right back to suicidal once a month again! Not much fun!

I accidentily ran out of my HRT last week (could have been the week before, I can't remember now! 😄) and the difference was staggering! In just 2 days of it being out of my system, I was sooo much better!
I still have to have a conversation with my doctor about this decision - he's been on holiday for a few weeks, but Nigel my mental health bloke seems happy enough!

Things seem possible again! I've even started making jewellery again - but that's another story!
I'm coping better with my kiddies - Little Man has been particularly challenging again - but that's an even longer story that I'll share another time!

Plus, the kids are off to their other grandparents tomorrow until Thursday!!! I am going to celebrate by having a blitz of their toys and starting to sort the house and 'Stoffice' out!
I sure know how to live life to the max hey!?! 😆

Well, that's all from me for now - will try and write again soon!

I think my 'rollercoaster' has broken down!

Hey little blog!

Things don't feel quite 'right' at the moment. I've just had another horrible bug, which wiped me out for a week. Little man and his volcano-eruptions have been really hard lately, plus I'm not sleeping right again and I feel just worn out.

It feels like I'm on one of those giant rollercoasters and we've just climbed up one of those big inclines, with a little plateau at the top, so you can take a breath and admire the pretty view. Then, just before we dive into a giant black tunnel, the rollercoaster has broken down.

So there we are dangling way up their in the air. Arms clamped down on the safety harness knowing that the 'impending doom' is looming just inches away from our noses. No sign of moving anytime soon, as who knows when the mechanic will be along to fix the problem!

One of my voluntary jobs has taken me off the rota as I've been ill so often the last few months, they don't want me stressing and rushing back too soon. I have this dread of letting people down, but I guess by always pushing myself too hard too soon, I burn out again pretty quickly and am no use to anyone!

I've stopped playing the online game Elvenar, which I loved for the social aspect - chatting to people all over the world! I just haven't had time to visit everyday like I used to. I already miss the friends I met there.

My pile of letters from League of Extraordinary Penpals is sat next to me, unopened and a constant reminder that I am letting people down there too, because they are waiting to hear back from me. 

I was buzzing a few weeks ago, when I started getting on with my '4mydadTony' challenge; finding aa personal trainer who is going to help me get fitter and marathon ready for 2020. But I feel exhausted and scared that I'm going to fail before I even begin.

A guess a lot of my anxiety in particular, comes down to the fact that I have to see the people from Universal Credits this week. Ever since I started Universal Credits back in February, all they have done is tell me that my little business is not 'gainful employment' and that maybe I should do something else instead. I have nothing else that I am fit for, as I'm too unreliable to be employed by anyone else. Every time I see them, they look at once piece of paper from all of the files that I lug back and forth, and make me feel like a complete failure. 

Maybe it's not surprising that my rollercoaster has broken down!

Perhaps I should take this time to take stock, rest and gather my strength, before zooming off onto the next bit of track my 'rollercoaster of life' has in store for me!