Walking and the joys it brings!

Hello little blog,

Again, it seems ages since I last wrote - this time it is definitely my Bipolar's fault, as I'm pinging from severely depressed to slightly 'buzzy.' Thankfully I've only had a couple of hypomanic days since my big episode last summer, but I've managed to do the severely depressed really really well, which is annoying for a number of reasons. Firstly, when I'm that low I'm no longer able to function as a human being - I end up living in my jammies, eating only if food is put in front of me and sleeping around 10-15 hours a day - not very helpful when you have 2 kiddies that need you! What is worse though is the second thing, in that where I mentally want to do everything, but my body goes into 'shut-down' mode, I have to watch my poor mum struggling to cope with looking after me, my dad, my 2 kiddies and trying to fit her work in at some point in the day as well.
Anywho, don't want to dwell here, on to nicer things!

So, my new found love of walking came about when I set myself the challenge of running a marathon to raise money for people that suffer from MS, like my dad - as I got a spinal injury a few years back, I can't run as the impact hurts too much, so I power walk instead 😊
As part of my marathon training, I do one long power-walk a week, between 5K and 10K depending on how I feel on the day. I have a route that takes me into the next town over and then looping back home again. I love plugging in a bit of Spotify and stomping off into the sunset - I tend to go in the evenings when the kids are in bed, as I just can't seem to find time during the daytime. It's also brilliant if my kiddies have been little sods at bedtime, as I can blare out some music and stomp off for a few hours - true bliss!

Lately though, because I had to give my driving license back to the DVLA; thanks to my bloomin' bipolar, and the fact that at the moment I'm too unstable to be safe to drive (I wasn't driving by choice anyway, but it hurt having to physically post my actual license back 😢 The other sucky thing is that  I had just sorted the lease on a lovely little Fiesta for 3 years, which for the time being, can only be driven by my mum - sob!) So unless I catch a ride with friends or mum, I am choosing to walk places and I can't believe what an eye-opener it's been!

When I'm walking just for the purpose of getting home; eg from dance class or group therapy sessions (both in the next town over) I stop to take things in! They both link onto my fav power-walking route, which is handy! I do occasionally find myself going down side roads, or mini detours - just so that it varies the scenery and adds to the Kilometers I manage for that day 😉😊
I spent my walk back from group therapy taking in all the gorgeous flowers and plants that I could see along the way home (that nearly made me late picking up the kiddies from school - oops! 😂)
Here are just a few of my favourite ones:

scenes on my walk home from Newbury

Would you believe that these photos were taken as I walked through an industrial area - full of large trade warehouses and offices!

It struck me today as I walked home from group therapy, just how much I was missing when I used to do the same journey in the car! 

💜 I totally forgot that there is a mini waterfall in the green area in front of one of the warehouses! 

💜 I got to process what we had discussed during the therapy session - I don't usually have time to do that if going in the car

💜 I smiled at every single person I passed - some were in their own bubble and not interested, but others gave me great big smiles back, which I just loved!😊

💜 I also got to walk past the queues of traffic stacked back on both of the roads i walked down - all those busy folk heading off to find some lunch - I must admit, during the bits when the sun was out, I totally didn't envy any of them being cooped up in their box-on-wheels! 😂😂

When I got a little closer to home, I took a short-cut through one of the local parks (it has a massive field there) and I got chatting to a lovely old gent as I had stopped to tell him how gorgeous I thought his dog was! The dog looked like a mini version of a 'Lassie Dog' (afraid I can't remember the exact breed name he said) his name was Toby. His owner Norman and I chatted happily for around 10 minutes or so, then I let him get going as big black clouds were rolling in! (I was very happy that I had remembered to put my umbrella in my bag, as I didn't have a coat!) 

I wouldn't have enjoyed any of these experiences if I hadn't started my fundraising Marathon Challenge, (plus having my driving license taken away! sob, again😉) Nor would I have met Toby and his owner! So as much as I'm desperate to be allowed to drive again (I have to be consistently 'balanced out' for 3 consecutive months for that to happen!) as I want my independence back! I do think that I will keep walking home from places much more that I used to .

It's also better for the environment and my weight loss journey - I call that a total win-win situation! 😄

Hitting Rock Bottom

Hey little blog,

Sorry it's been a long time since I last wrote, but things have been such a struggle the last few months.

Being diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder has been comforting in a way. I now have a diagnosis that makes sense when I look back over the years at some of my more erratic behaviour, it is totally clear that they were hyper-manic episodes.

What has been awful, is that I am still fighting to get my mood evened out. I have been 9-ish weeks now, trying to come down off of this mania and I'm still no closer and it is more than taking it's toll on family life. I'm sleeping, eating and not managing anything else 😢

Every time I'm not doing good like this, my kids behaviour becomes absolutely awful! They are craving attention, that I'm unable to give at the times that they want (I'm lucky if I fall asleep before 7am, then I physically can't get out of bed until I've had 10-12 hours sleep! My psych team have been increasing my mood stabalisers for 8 weeks now, but it is not having the effect of helping me sleep when I need to.) So we are having daily melt-downs, especially at bedtimes, which I am struggling to deal with, and leave me exhausted and suicidal!

My poor mum is having to do everything; look after me, my kids, my disabled dad and try and run her own business! She is absolutely exhausted and the guilt cycle I'm currently on is killing me! Plus she is going for an operation on Friday! I have to be better by then, or my kids won't get to school! 

I know that everything would be so much better, if I could just get to sleep at a 'normal' time!

My mum has tried to explain all of this to my GPs (it's not always easy to get a phone call with my registered GP, so can be the emergency doc) but as yet, they have refused to give me a sleeping tablet or something to help me get to sleep at the right time of night! They keep saying that the mood stabalisers will work eventually! I absolutely agree, every time I've had problems like these in the past, eventually I do sort myself out. However, this time, I don't think my sanity, or my mum's for that matter can take the waiting game any longer!

Well, things hit major crisis point last night, after another horrendous bedtime with the kids, plus being on the receiving end of Little Man's rage after school. My mum ended up calling the Crisis Team and they wanted me to go to A&E for an emergency assessment. I didn't want to go. 

Today, someone from the mental health unit came to see me, as I didn't go to A&E. She is going to get me some meds to sort out my sleeping cycle! Apparently, she said that the sleep deprivation I have been struggling through for weeks now must feel like a form of torture - and I couldn't agree more! I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy!

I hope next time I write, I'll be able to tell you that I'm back sleeping at the right time and am back at work and my voluntary jobs and life is finally starting to get back to 'normal'.

Letter to my Bully

Hey little blog,

So, coming down from this 20 day Manic Episode has been really revelationary!
I have done some things that I would never normally be able to do, as my anxiety always stopped me before!

⭐I wrote a message to a random guy who sent me a friend request on Facebook! We chatted for a few days, before a friend helped me realise that he was a bloomi' CATFISH! But I got the last laugh, as I copied one of the other photos of 'him' from the scammer site and pinged it back to him saying 'is this you?' he then tried to back-track and was like 'where did you get that from?' but I delivered the final blow of googling the photo of his 'son' and sharing with him that actually his name is not Luther, it's Mark!! He blocked me and I deleted the conversation and photos of him! Thankfully I didn't feel like sharing any personal info with him - relied to know that 'manic me' has quite a lot of self control!! 🤣🤣
I managed to bounce back after the initial shock and sadness at being lied to had passed - plus it's been a great learning tool for my kids - you never know if the person on the other end is legit or a liar! 😉

⭐The second things that is pretty 'out there' for me is the burning desire I've had to send the girl who bullied me at school a letter! I guess 14 years of waiting has finally bubbled over now that 'manic me' got released!
I came to an agreement with my psych nurse, that if I write the letter, he would take it away and show it to my psychiatrist - then when I am much calmer, I can either sent it or burn it!

I accidently printed out 2 copies of the letter last night! So while the kids were out at summer club thingy this morning, I decided to go out onto the patio and BURN IT! Watching all of that anger (I must admit, I was more contained and calmly stating facts, rather than mouthing off and swearing heaps like I did in a letter to my ex last week - don't worry I didn't send it! It went off with my psych nurse as well!)

Firstly, 'manic me' thought the fire bit was AWESOME!! But safety conscious as ever, I had my jug of water at the ready 😉 Unfortunately I couldn't get to our BBQ, as I'd have done it in there! I did use quite a few matches, as it was a little windy, but sooo worth it!
Secondly, watching my words go up in flames was such a release! Like I could see 14 years of hatred finally leaving my soul and being carried off on the breeze! A truly 'Ahhh' moment!

So, I don't know if my bully will ever read the words that I finally put down on paper and to be honet I don't really care. She is the past. She can no longer hurt me, as I am strong and finally, I have moved on! 😄

Me, Myself and I

Hey little blog! Sorry it's been such a long time since I wrote here!
Well, being me, so many changes again! But the biggest one is that I finally have a diagnosis that makes sense!

For 19 years I have struggled with Chronic Depression - bouncing along from ok to severely depressed - all fine!
However, deep down I think I've always known that something else was going on, but I just couldn't put my finger on it - until last weekend!

I have had really bad insomnia for about 17 days now, but last weekend, I did some really erratic things (mostly on Sunday and Monday) and by Tuesday I had scared myself so much that I called doc and left a message for my psych nurse to get back to me asap! I have driven home from a friends house at 95mph, in the outside lane, music blaring, singing and getting angry with anyone who got in my way!! Soooo not me! I hate the outside lane and won't go over 80pmh, as travelling fast makes me feel ill!!

The doc I saw on Weds, agreed with my thinking, that I was on day 14/15 of a manic episode and that in all likelihood, I have bipolar-disorder! My thoughts were flying 500x the normal speed (like pressing fast-forward to the max and watching a TV show, trying to keep up! But, my senses are all on overdrive - so when I went on a walk to try and calm myself a little - I saw every blade of grass, every speck of dirt etc!

My CPN, Nigel (amazing bloke!! He's been helping me on and off since I did a mindfulness group therapy with him a few years back) anywho, he agreed and went back to the mental health unit to discuss options with a psychiatrist - as at that point, I had only had 25hrs sleep since Friday! No matter how busy I kept, I just couldn't switch off, despite my poor body crying out for rest!

I borrowed my sons fidget spinner and have had music on really quietly to drown out the noise if I'm outside! As one evening, I thought I could hear a water fountain - but we live on a busy main road of a town - so that wasn't possible! I then realised that what I could hear were the bubbles popping in the can of pop I had just opened!

We managed to go out to dinner on Sat, however I had to keep leaving and walking along the path outside - it was a sensory over load - firstly the amazing 60's diner decor, but a woman who in my head was shouting - I could hear her clearly talk to her son about the 'Route 66' sticker on the wall, the fact that she wanted him to finish what he was eating and then used the word yes in another bit of conversation - but this was all as i sat on the toilet, with 2 doors and 1/2 a busy restaurant between us!! (my mum ordered a pair of ear defenders for me, which arrived yesterday!)
I managed to go to the cinema with my mum and was fine, as the room was dark and it was just amazing!!

Then yesterday we went to a little craft show up in Henley - as I knew I wouldn't cope with the noise of big crowds - so we only had 1 1/2 hrs looking around, but it was amazing! I had major visual overload - like a little magpie flitting from one stall with shiny jewellery, to a gorgeous painting, to some amazing pottery and so on! 😄
As there were so few people, I was happy as Larry chatting away to all the different stall holders and taking away cards and leaflets- or asking to take photos for a visual reminder of them 😄 I was totally in my element - my poor mum though, went on without me and we met up when I had finished being a magpie! 😉

So, it's now Sunday and the tweak in meds has already started to work - I managed a blissful 9 hrs sleep last night!

Over the last few days, I've been sharing things that help me - like looking at me directly if your speaking - as i can see every micro-expression and know that what I have said has been heard and that I don't need to repeat myself! Also mindfulness - as I know I completely overwhelmed my mum between Sunday and Tuesday will all the thoughts and questions I kept firing at her - I explained though, that for every one thing I said, I had already had 50 thoughts to go with it!

I also came up with a great way of explaining what it feels like inside my head - 'Me, Myself and I!' but being very visual, I had to show what they looked like - and that 2 were the different sides of the bipolar, which a girl on the middle - waving a flag and trying to keep the balance - a referee I guess 😉
So, these are the 'parts' of me in my head:

On the Manic Side - a purple Minion!!
So this guy is completely nutts! He should be in his room - a room covered in padded pink and purple walls! Lying on his plank of wood - doesn't like soft or squishy anything! With a blanket, listening to heaving metal music through some big black headphones! He likes to be heard and is the one who interrupts me to point something out - but in his consistent and annoying way 😉
My 'peacekeeper/referee' got him back into his room on Friday night and welded the door shut! But the little bugger ate a hole in one of the walls - and got and and made a massive mess while I was sleeping!

On the Depressive Side - Marvin the Paranoid Android (from the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy)
As you can imagine, he is moody, lacks any enthusiasm for anything and if he's not sulking by his tree, he is tucked up in his bed with an un-touched mug of hot chocolate beside him.
I imagine he has a little cottage like the Mr Men live in - that kind of  style - little garden with a tree and a white picket fence, simple furniture etc! (when I used these to explain to my kids what was going on with mummy now - they added that Marvin would have a white car and his house would be black and white, to match his mood! Minion's car is purple, can jump like a kangaroo and goes very very fast!

Finally, trying to keep these 2 in check and in their own homes is Penny, my little Peacekeeper!

She is from the cartoon 'Inspector Gadget' though in my head she is wearing a baseball cap and denim overalls!
She carries a large flag - which has many uses
 - used to gag Minion as she tries to wrestle him back to his room
- as a 'battle' starter if she thinks that Marvin and Minion should sort things face to face! (though Marvin has been asleep since Friday and ignored her calls for battle completely! 🤣🤣)
- finally she uses the flag and ties it between 2 trees, so that once she has cleared up the mess that Minion/Marvin has made, she will lie in her flag hammock and fall asleep looking at the stars 😄

So, everyone is content and asleep now! I think it really helped my kids understand the news of my bipolar illness - as i described what they did and sounded like, with lots of giggles - plus their ideas of that world have been added into my picture too!

Little Man totally gets it and wants to say things directly to Minion - like 'you can't have my fidget spinner until later!' So I explained that he just needs to talk to me - as they are all part of me, up in my head, and can hear everything he says 😉 so at bedtime he said ' good night all of you!' sooo cute!!

Little Miss understands, but Minion scares her! Understandable really - he's literally completely nutts!! So I just reassured her that mummy is fine as Penny protects her! That Minion is in my thoughts - like when you dream at night! Plus, I told her that the docs have given mummy medicine that makes Minion sleepy! Which she was greatly comforted by!

I have loads more exciting news, but I'll save it for another day! xxx