I think my 'rollercoaster' has broken down!

Hey little blog!

Things don't feel quite 'right' at the moment. I've just had another horrible bug, which wiped me out for a week. Little man and his volcano-eruptions have been really hard lately, plus I'm not sleeping right again and I feel just worn out.

It feels like I'm on one of those giant rollercoasters and we've just climbed up one of those big inclines, with a little plateau at the top, so you can take a breath and admire the pretty view. Then, just before we dive into a giant black tunnel, the rollercoaster has broken down.

So there we are dangling way up their in the air. Arms clamped down on the safety harness knowing that the 'impending doom' is looming just inches away from our noses. No sign of moving anytime soon, as who knows when the mechanic will be along to fix the problem!

One of my voluntary jobs has taken me off the rota as I've been ill so often the last few months, they don't want me stressing and rushing back too soon. I have this dread of letting people down, but I guess by always pushing myself too hard too soon, I burn out again pretty quickly and am no use to anyone!

I've stopped playing the online game Elvenar, which I loved for the social aspect - chatting to people all over the world! I just haven't had time to visit everyday like I used to. I already miss the friends I met there.

My pile of letters from League of Extraordinary Penpals is sat next to me, unopened and a constant reminder that I am letting people down there too, because they are waiting to hear back from me. 

I was buzzing a few weeks ago, when I started getting on with my '4mydadTony' challenge; finding aa personal trainer who is going to help me get fitter and marathon ready for 2020. But I feel exhausted and scared that I'm going to fail before I even begin.

A guess a lot of my anxiety in particular, comes down to the fact that I have to see the people from Universal Credits this week. Ever since I started Universal Credits back in February, all they have done is tell me that my little business is not 'gainful employment' and that maybe I should do something else instead. I have nothing else that I am fit for, as I'm too unreliable to be employed by anyone else. Every time I see them, they look at once piece of paper from all of the files that I lug back and forth, and make me feel like a complete failure. 

Maybe it's not surprising that my rollercoaster has broken down!

Perhaps I should take this time to take stock, rest and gather my strength, before zooming off onto the next bit of track my 'rollercoaster of life' has in store for me! 

What a difference 'belief in yourself' makes!

I can't believe it is now nearly 5 months since I made my life-changing decision to join the world of Forever and what a whirlwind journey it has been so far!

I can't believe how much I have managed to push myself, way beyond my 'comfort zone!' So I just wanted to share a few of the things that I have managed to do - not all of them are 'work' related either! Some of these things would have been absolutely impossible for me to do back in November 2017!

I have driven to Eastleigh on my own (about an hours drive!)
I have travelled to London on the train and managed to navigate the underground without having a panic attack!
I have driven to Southampton on my own!
I have driven to Milton Keynes on my own!
I have attended training events, with others and on my own!
I have spoken to people on skype and video calls!! That one was HUGE!!
I have started up conversations with complete strangers!
I have asked friends questions and extra questions, even when every fibre of my body was screaming at me that 'this really isn't a good idea' and that 'people will get annoyed at you! You're being bothersome!'
I have started learning again and I'm loving it!
I have set myself MASSIVE GOALS, which I WILL achieve!
I have decided to stop listening to the people at Universal Credits when they tell me that my little business isn't 'gainful employment' and basically that I am going to fail!
I have been strong for my family when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out!
I have had lots of fun and so many laughs!
I have met some truly AMAZING and inspirational people, whose passion for health and wellness is just infectious!
I have started back on my 'day zero project' which has been a lot of fun!
I finally feel like a 'real' mum!
I took care of my kids and my dad for a whole week while my mum was on a carers break (no one got food poisoning either!!)
I have found my purpose in life!
I have begun the process of re-connecting with people
I am working on a good work-life balance
I have had fun times with my kids - mini holidays, swimming fun, mammoth games of monopoly, trips to the lakes and sooo much more!
I even occasionally answer the house phone when it rings!
I have stayed strong when my Little Man has been on an emotional roller-coaster!
I even managed a few morning school runs!
I have started drinking aloe vera gel!
I have made contact with a personal trainer
I have booked a style 'make over' session, to learn how to dress for my shape and proportions - as I am totally clueless!
I have started making jewellery again!
I have found new friends through the League of Extraordinary Penpals!
I have prioritised things in my life - and watching TV has taken a back-seat a lot of the time!
I have found 'myself' again, after 5 long years of struggling and feeling lost!

I can't believe the difference a little self-belief with a smidgen of self-worth thrown in, has made!