Hitting Rock Bottom

Hey little blog,

Sorry it's been a long time since I last wrote, but things have been such a struggle the last few months.

Being diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder has been comforting in a way. I now have a diagnosis that makes sense when I look back over the years at some of my more erratic behaviour, it is totally clear that they were hyper-manic episodes.

What has been awful, is that I am still fighting to get my mood evened out. I have been 9-ish weeks now, trying to come down off of this mania and I'm still no closer and it is more than taking it's toll on family life. I'm sleeping, eating and not managing anything else 😢

Every time I'm not doing good like this, my kids behaviour becomes absolutely awful! They are craving attention, that I'm unable to give at the times that they want (I'm lucky if I fall asleep before 7am, then I physically can't get out of bed until I've had 10-12 hours sleep! My psych team have been increasing my mood stabalisers for 8 weeks now, but it is not having the effect of helping me sleep when I need to.) So we are having daily melt-downs, especially at bedtimes, which I am struggling to deal with, and leave me exhausted and suicidal!

My poor mum is having to do everything; look after me, my kids, my disabled dad and try and run her own business! She is absolutely exhausted and the guilt cycle I'm currently on is killing me! Plus she is going for an operation on Friday! I have to be better by then, or my kids won't get to school! 

I know that everything would be so much better, if I could just get to sleep at a 'normal' time!

My mum has tried to explain all of this to my GPs (it's not always easy to get a phone call with my registered GP, so can be the emergency doc) but as yet, they have refused to give me a sleeping tablet or something to help me get to sleep at the right time of night! They keep saying that the mood stabalisers will work eventually! I absolutely agree, every time I've had problems like these in the past, eventually I do sort myself out. However, this time, I don't think my sanity, or my mum's for that matter can take the waiting game any longer!

Well, things hit major crisis point last night, after another horrendous bedtime with the kids, plus being on the receiving end of Little Man's rage after school. My mum ended up calling the Crisis Team and they wanted me to go to A&E for an emergency assessment. I didn't want to go. 

Today, someone from the mental health unit came to see me, as I didn't go to A&E. She is going to get me some meds to sort out my sleeping cycle! Apparently, she said that the sleep deprivation I have been struggling through for weeks now must feel like a form of torture - and I couldn't agree more! I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy!

I hope next time I write, I'll be able to tell you that I'm back sleeping at the right time and am back at work and my voluntary jobs and life is finally starting to get back to 'normal'.

I think my 'rollercoaster' has broken down!

Hey little blog!

Things don't feel quite 'right' at the moment. I've just had another horrible bug, which wiped me out for a week. Little man and his volcano-eruptions have been really hard lately, plus I'm not sleeping right again and I feel just worn out.

It feels like I'm on one of those giant rollercoasters and we've just climbed up one of those big inclines, with a little plateau at the top, so you can take a breath and admire the pretty view. Then, just before we dive into a giant black tunnel, the rollercoaster has broken down.

So there we are dangling way up their in the air. Arms clamped down on the safety harness knowing that the 'impending doom' is looming just inches away from our noses. No sign of moving anytime soon, as who knows when the mechanic will be along to fix the problem!

One of my voluntary jobs has taken me off the rota as I've been ill so often the last few months, they don't want me stressing and rushing back too soon. I have this dread of letting people down, but I guess by always pushing myself too hard too soon, I burn out again pretty quickly and am no use to anyone!

I've stopped playing the online game Elvenar, which I loved for the social aspect - chatting to people all over the world! I just haven't had time to visit everyday like I used to. I already miss the friends I met there.

My pile of letters from League of Extraordinary Penpals is sat next to me, unopened and a constant reminder that I am letting people down there too, because they are waiting to hear back from me. 

I was buzzing a few weeks ago, when I started getting on with my '4mydadTony' challenge; finding aa personal trainer who is going to help me get fitter and marathon ready for 2020. But I feel exhausted and scared that I'm going to fail before I even begin.

A guess a lot of my anxiety in particular, comes down to the fact that I have to see the people from Universal Credits this week. Ever since I started Universal Credits back in February, all they have done is tell me that my little business is not 'gainful employment' and that maybe I should do something else instead. I have nothing else that I am fit for, as I'm too unreliable to be employed by anyone else. Every time I see them, they look at once piece of paper from all of the files that I lug back and forth, and make me feel like a complete failure. 

Maybe it's not surprising that my rollercoaster has broken down!

Perhaps I should take this time to take stock, rest and gather my strength, before zooming off onto the next bit of track my 'rollercoaster of life' has in store for me!