Sorry it's been a long time since I last wrote, but things have been such a struggle the last few months.
Being diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder has been comforting in a way. I now have a diagnosis that makes sense when I look back over the years at some of my more erratic behaviour, it is totally clear that they were hyper-manic episodes.
What has been awful, is that I am still fighting to get my mood evened out. I have been 9-ish weeks now, trying to come down off of this mania and I'm still no closer and it is more than taking it's toll on family life. I'm sleeping, eating and not managing anything else 😢
Every time I'm not doing good like this, my kids behaviour becomes absolutely awful! They are craving attention, that I'm unable to give at the times that they want (I'm lucky if I fall asleep before 7am, then I physically can't get out of bed until I've had 10-12 hours sleep! My psych team have been increasing my mood stabalisers for 8 weeks now, but it is not having the effect of helping me sleep when I need to.) So we are having daily melt-downs, especially at bedtimes, which I am struggling to deal with, and leave me exhausted and suicidal!
My poor mum is having to do everything; look after me, my kids, my disabled dad and try and run her own business! She is absolutely exhausted and the guilt cycle I'm currently on is killing me! Plus she is going for an operation on Friday! I have to be better by then, or my kids won't get to school!
I know that everything would be so much better, if I could just get to sleep at a 'normal' time!
My mum has tried to explain all of this to my GPs (it's not always easy to get a phone call with my registered GP, so can be the emergency doc) but as yet, they have refused to give me a sleeping tablet or something to help me get to sleep at the right time of night! They keep saying that the mood stabalisers will work eventually! I absolutely agree, every time I've had problems like these in the past, eventually I do sort myself out. However, this time, I don't think my sanity, or my mum's for that matter can take the waiting game any longer!
Well, things hit major crisis point last night, after another horrendous bedtime with the kids, plus being on the receiving end of Little Man's rage after school. My mum ended up calling the Crisis Team and they wanted me to go to A&E for an emergency assessment. I didn't want to go.
Today, someone from the mental health unit came to see me, as I didn't go to A&E. She is going to get me some meds to sort out my sleeping cycle! Apparently, she said that the sleep deprivation I have been struggling through for weeks now must feel like a form of torture - and I couldn't agree more! I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy!
I hope next time I write, I'll be able to tell you that I'm back sleeping at the right time and am back at work and my voluntary jobs and life is finally starting to get back to 'normal'.
