With Understanding Comes Progress

Hey little blog!

Sorry it's been a while again since I last wrote, but have been in a really bad place again. Basically, I've spent the last 3 weeks asleep! I've slept from 10 to 14 hours a day and annoyingly, it was all during the daytime - the time I should have been awake, doing all the 'mummy' jobs I would normally do.

Instead, I got to experience the vicious 'Guilt Cycle' which I hate - I feel bad because I can't do all of the things I want to be doing; like school runs or helping make dinner or lunch. As a result, everything falls onto my mum, and as much as I hate seeing her struggling daily to run the house, her business and look after me, dad and my kids, I physically have no energy or strength to help, no matter how much I want to! It is just the worst feeling ever!
Then my kids, who seem to have a knack of acting up when I'm not doing well, make things all seem 100 times worse! Their behaviour goes from bad to worse, the longer I'm 'out of action', which makes me feel even more guilty and this cycle just keeps repeating again and again 😢

Weirdly though, I woke up last Friday and it was like someone had flicked a switch from 'weak, dizzy sleep-a-holic' to 'alert, raring to go insomniac!' Instead of the 10 to 14 hours of sleep I had been having, I went to getting less that 5 hours!
I now have the energy to do loads of stuff, which is better than the sleep-a-holic, but the down side is that no matter how exhausted my body is, when I try to sleep at night, my brain just won't switch off! This wasn't a gradual thing either, I literally switched from one 'mode' to the other overnight! At least it has proven to me that my diagnosis of bi-polar is definitely right! 😉

One good thing about my current insomnia is that I've had loads of time to think! I've started processing all of the things that have happened since my hyper-manic episode began way back in July! I've found out lots of things about the different 'me's' (manic me, depressed me and peacekeeper me) For instance, manic me loves bright colours like red and green, while depressed me prefers much darker colours like blues and purples! It's been fascinating process learning about 'me, myself and I' 😊

Also, for the first time in the 19 years that I have suffered from mental health issues, I finally understand and accept that I shouldn't beat myself up when I'm not doing good; when I can't do all of the things I want to do because my body has just shut down into 'hibernate' mode!

My mum always tells me that when I'm well and in a good place, I do heaps! Then when I'm not in a good place and my body just refuses to work, it's not a problem - it's ok!
Even after the years of therapy and my mum constantly reassuring me and reminding me to be kinder to myself,  I have only really accepted this fact in the last few days! This acceptance and understanding has been a total game changer for me! I'm beginning to treat myself with kindness and compassion (something I easily manage to do when helping friends in similar situations to me!)
I've accepted that I have no control over how I am going to be from one day to the next; but more importantly, I now know that this doesn't make me a failure! I'm just having a bad time of it and doing the best I can - which is all I can ask of myself.

I'm also trying to be more positive in my thinking and 'inner-monologue.' I'm trying to focus more on the things that I have manage to achieve each day (like doing both of the school runs!) rather than overwhelming myself with all the things I 'should' have done. It's made a massive difference in how I feel! For so long, I have travelled along the negative thoughts 'path'. It's familiar; a path that I have trodden for years and years. somewhere where I feel comfortable, in spite of it being such a bleak, dreary place.

Now I'm branching out in a completely new direction - a positive, optimistic path, that for years I have often started along, but never managed to stick to.  The negative things are so much easier to find, so I always end up back on the familiar, pessimistic-path sooner or later.
Now, I feel stronger and happier with my lot in life! I understand and truly believe that I am worthy of the life I have been dealt - I'm not worthless, or useless, or a burden!

With all of this new insight and understanding about myself and my illness, I am finally embracing this crazy thing called life, and enjoying the journey! No matter what twists, turns and obstacles come along, I am going to face them head on! I may need to take little rests once in a while, and I might take a few wrong turns, but I'm definitely not going to turn around and head back to that old, bleak path I favoured for so long! With understanding, real progress has been achieved! 😊

4mydadTony Fundraising challenge

Hello little blog,

Sorry it's been a while since I last wrote - lots of things have been going on, but the most exciting has been to do with my Fundraising Challenge, to help people with MS!

You may remember that I wrote about my New Big Goal, which was an awesome starting point! Things have taken a slightly different direction, in light of my bipolar diagnosis, so I thought I'd share a little update with you all.

The original plan was for me to raise £22K to help pay for a big Wheelchair Accessible Car (WAC), that would fit all of the family and my dad comfortably. Well, now that I am probably not going to be moving out of my parents house for some time (well, not until a lovely fella comes along and sweeps me off my feet 😉) we had a re-think about how best to spend the money raised - the big WAC would no longer fit the needs of everyone. So we decided on a new plan - my parents would get a much smaller WAC, that would fit both of their mobility issues and I will save for a family car myself.

My dad hasn't been on holiday for over 2 years now - he either has to go into respite care or have a live-in carer stay with him, which I hate, as i feel so sad having to leave him behind, while we all go off for a fun family holiday. So, some of the money raised is going to go on a lovely family holiday - for my dad and the entire family to enjoy!

Then we had the job of deciding what to do with the rest of the money raised. Well, I met a friend of a friend whose wife also has MS like my dad and she attends a therapy centre for people with MS! So, that is where the remainder of the money raised is going, The Berkshire MS Therapy Centre!

I have already had a couple of fundraising events to help 'kick start' the money raising efforts -
Firstly I held an online Facebook Auction - I asked all of my creative friends if they would be willing to donate any pieces for the auction - to say that I was blown away with their generosity is a total understatement!! The auction went really well and overall raise £264! I have decided to hold another auction in December, perfect timing for some unique Christmas Gifts!

Some of the items donated!

 Next fundraising event, was a pamper evening that I held at a local Hotel. It was a really nice evening, with lots of different stallholders from massage therapists, to nails and skincare products 😊 the only downside was that where I had been so ill for 3 months, all of the final organising was crammed into just a few weeks! It was def a big learning curve and I have already got plans for another similar event next year! That event raised £261 and that was only with a few people there - plus all of the money from selling jewellery that a friend and I had made (we're going into business together - more on that another day!!)

If you fancy checking out my progress, I have a Facebook group called 4mydadTony - I've been uploading my progress and sharing videos of my fitness progress - did I tell you that I have signed up for Reading Half Marathon next Spring!?! I have found a personal trainer who is going to help me on the running side of things - I've been building my fitness levels with HIIT classes, aqua fit and walk/jogs, but I still have a long way to go before I'm Half Marathon Ready! So excited though! 😄

Oh and before I go, I just thought I'd share one little thing extra that I've done recently - I pledged that when my fundraising pot reached £750, I would dye my hair rainbow colours! Well, with generous friends and the online auction, we smashed that goal and so I got a hidden rainbow - which I LOVE!

My next milestone is £2K - then I will get all of my hair rainbow coloured! 😄

Hitting Rock Bottom

Hey little blog,

Sorry it's been a long time since I last wrote, but things have been such a struggle the last few months.

Being diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder has been comforting in a way. I now have a diagnosis that makes sense when I look back over the years at some of my more erratic behaviour, it is totally clear that they were hyper-manic episodes.

What has been awful, is that I am still fighting to get my mood evened out. I have been 9-ish weeks now, trying to come down off of this mania and I'm still no closer and it is more than taking it's toll on family life. I'm sleeping, eating and not managing anything else 😢

Every time I'm not doing good like this, my kids behaviour becomes absolutely awful! They are craving attention, that I'm unable to give at the times that they want (I'm lucky if I fall asleep before 7am, then I physically can't get out of bed until I've had 10-12 hours sleep! My psych team have been increasing my mood stabalisers for 8 weeks now, but it is not having the effect of helping me sleep when I need to.) So we are having daily melt-downs, especially at bedtimes, which I am struggling to deal with, and leave me exhausted and suicidal!

My poor mum is having to do everything; look after me, my kids, my disabled dad and try and run her own business! She is absolutely exhausted and the guilt cycle I'm currently on is killing me! Plus she is going for an operation on Friday! I have to be better by then, or my kids won't get to school! 

I know that everything would be so much better, if I could just get to sleep at a 'normal' time!

My mum has tried to explain all of this to my GPs (it's not always easy to get a phone call with my registered GP, so can be the emergency doc) but as yet, they have refused to give me a sleeping tablet or something to help me get to sleep at the right time of night! They keep saying that the mood stabalisers will work eventually! I absolutely agree, every time I've had problems like these in the past, eventually I do sort myself out. However, this time, I don't think my sanity, or my mum's for that matter can take the waiting game any longer!

Well, things hit major crisis point last night, after another horrendous bedtime with the kids, plus being on the receiving end of Little Man's rage after school. My mum ended up calling the Crisis Team and they wanted me to go to A&E for an emergency assessment. I didn't want to go. 

Today, someone from the mental health unit came to see me, as I didn't go to A&E. She is going to get me some meds to sort out my sleeping cycle! Apparently, she said that the sleep deprivation I have been struggling through for weeks now must feel like a form of torture - and I couldn't agree more! I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy!

I hope next time I write, I'll be able to tell you that I'm back sleeping at the right time and am back at work and my voluntary jobs and life is finally starting to get back to 'normal'.

Letter to my Bully

Hey little blog,

So, coming down from this 20 day Manic Episode has been really revelationary!
I have done some things that I would never normally be able to do, as my anxiety always stopped me before!

⭐I wrote a message to a random guy who sent me a friend request on Facebook! We chatted for a few days, before a friend helped me realise that he was a bloomi' CATFISH! But I got the last laugh, as I copied one of the other photos of 'him' from the scammer site and pinged it back to him saying 'is this you?' he then tried to back-track and was like 'where did you get that from?' but I delivered the final blow of googling the photo of his 'son' and sharing with him that actually his name is not Luther, it's Mark!! He blocked me and I deleted the conversation and photos of him! Thankfully I didn't feel like sharing any personal info with him - relied to know that 'manic me' has quite a lot of self control!! 🤣🤣
I managed to bounce back after the initial shock and sadness at being lied to had passed - plus it's been a great learning tool for my kids - you never know if the person on the other end is legit or a liar! 😉

⭐The second things that is pretty 'out there' for me is the burning desire I've had to send the girl who bullied me at school a letter! I guess 14 years of waiting has finally bubbled over now that 'manic me' got released!
I came to an agreement with my psych nurse, that if I write the letter, he would take it away and show it to my psychiatrist - then when I am much calmer, I can either sent it or burn it!

I accidently printed out 2 copies of the letter last night! So while the kids were out at summer club thingy this morning, I decided to go out onto the patio and BURN IT! Watching all of that anger (I must admit, I was more contained and calmly stating facts, rather than mouthing off and swearing heaps like I did in a letter to my ex last week - don't worry I didn't send it! It went off with my psych nurse as well!)

Firstly, 'manic me' thought the fire bit was AWESOME!! But safety conscious as ever, I had my jug of water at the ready 😉 Unfortunately I couldn't get to our BBQ, as I'd have done it in there! I did use quite a few matches, as it was a little windy, but sooo worth it!
Secondly, watching my words go up in flames was such a release! Like I could see 14 years of hatred finally leaving my soul and being carried off on the breeze! A truly 'Ahhh' moment!

So, I don't know if my bully will ever read the words that I finally put down on paper and to be honet I don't really care. She is the past. She can no longer hurt me, as I am strong and finally, I have moved on! 😄

Me, Myself and I

Hey little blog! Sorry it's been such a long time since I wrote here!
Well, being me, so many changes again! But the biggest one is that I finally have a diagnosis that makes sense!

For 19 years I have struggled with Chronic Depression - bouncing along from ok to severely depressed - all fine!
However, deep down I think I've always known that something else was going on, but I just couldn't put my finger on it - until last weekend!

I have had really bad insomnia for about 17 days now, but last weekend, I did some really erratic things (mostly on Sunday and Monday) and by Tuesday I had scared myself so much that I called doc and left a message for my psych nurse to get back to me asap! I have driven home from a friends house at 95mph, in the outside lane, music blaring, singing and getting angry with anyone who got in my way!! Soooo not me! I hate the outside lane and won't go over 80pmh, as travelling fast makes me feel ill!!

The doc I saw on Weds, agreed with my thinking, that I was on day 14/15 of a manic episode and that in all likelihood, I have bipolar-disorder! My thoughts were flying 500x the normal speed (like pressing fast-forward to the max and watching a TV show, trying to keep up! But, my senses are all on overdrive - so when I went on a walk to try and calm myself a little - I saw every blade of grass, every speck of dirt etc!

My CPN, Nigel (amazing bloke!! He's been helping me on and off since I did a mindfulness group therapy with him a few years back) anywho, he agreed and went back to the mental health unit to discuss options with a psychiatrist - as at that point, I had only had 25hrs sleep since Friday! No matter how busy I kept, I just couldn't switch off, despite my poor body crying out for rest!

I borrowed my sons fidget spinner and have had music on really quietly to drown out the noise if I'm outside! As one evening, I thought I could hear a water fountain - but we live on a busy main road of a town - so that wasn't possible! I then realised that what I could hear were the bubbles popping in the can of pop I had just opened!

We managed to go out to dinner on Sat, however I had to keep leaving and walking along the path outside - it was a sensory over load - firstly the amazing 60's diner decor, but a woman who in my head was shouting - I could hear her clearly talk to her son about the 'Route 66' sticker on the wall, the fact that she wanted him to finish what he was eating and then used the word yes in another bit of conversation - but this was all as i sat on the toilet, with 2 doors and 1/2 a busy restaurant between us!! (my mum ordered a pair of ear defenders for me, which arrived yesterday!)
I managed to go to the cinema with my mum and was fine, as the room was dark and it was just amazing!!

Then yesterday we went to a little craft show up in Henley - as I knew I wouldn't cope with the noise of big crowds - so we only had 1 1/2 hrs looking around, but it was amazing! I had major visual overload - like a little magpie flitting from one stall with shiny jewellery, to a gorgeous painting, to some amazing pottery and so on! 😄
As there were so few people, I was happy as Larry chatting away to all the different stall holders and taking away cards and leaflets- or asking to take photos for a visual reminder of them 😄 I was totally in my element - my poor mum though, went on without me and we met up when I had finished being a magpie! 😉

So, it's now Sunday and the tweak in meds has already started to work - I managed a blissful 9 hrs sleep last night!

Over the last few days, I've been sharing things that help me - like looking at me directly if your speaking - as i can see every micro-expression and know that what I have said has been heard and that I don't need to repeat myself! Also mindfulness - as I know I completely overwhelmed my mum between Sunday and Tuesday will all the thoughts and questions I kept firing at her - I explained though, that for every one thing I said, I had already had 50 thoughts to go with it!

I also came up with a great way of explaining what it feels like inside my head - 'Me, Myself and I!' but being very visual, I had to show what they looked like - and that 2 were the different sides of the bipolar, which a girl on the middle - waving a flag and trying to keep the balance - a referee I guess 😉
So, these are the 'parts' of me in my head:

On the Manic Side - a purple Minion!!
So this guy is completely nutts! He should be in his room - a room covered in padded pink and purple walls! Lying on his plank of wood - doesn't like soft or squishy anything! With a blanket, listening to heaving metal music through some big black headphones! He likes to be heard and is the one who interrupts me to point something out - but in his consistent and annoying way 😉
My 'peacekeeper/referee' got him back into his room on Friday night and welded the door shut! But the little bugger ate a hole in one of the walls - and got and and made a massive mess while I was sleeping!

On the Depressive Side - Marvin the Paranoid Android (from the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy)
As you can imagine, he is moody, lacks any enthusiasm for anything and if he's not sulking by his tree, he is tucked up in his bed with an un-touched mug of hot chocolate beside him.
I imagine he has a little cottage like the Mr Men live in - that kind of  style - little garden with a tree and a white picket fence, simple furniture etc! (when I used these to explain to my kids what was going on with mummy now - they added that Marvin would have a white car and his house would be black and white, to match his mood! Minion's car is purple, can jump like a kangaroo and goes very very fast!

Finally, trying to keep these 2 in check and in their own homes is Penny, my little Peacekeeper!

She is from the cartoon 'Inspector Gadget' though in my head she is wearing a baseball cap and denim overalls!
She carries a large flag - which has many uses
 - used to gag Minion as she tries to wrestle him back to his room
- as a 'battle' starter if she thinks that Marvin and Minion should sort things face to face! (though Marvin has been asleep since Friday and ignored her calls for battle completely! 🤣🤣)
- finally she uses the flag and ties it between 2 trees, so that once she has cleared up the mess that Minion/Marvin has made, she will lie in her flag hammock and fall asleep looking at the stars 😄

So, everyone is content and asleep now! I think it really helped my kids understand the news of my bipolar illness - as i described what they did and sounded like, with lots of giggles - plus their ideas of that world have been added into my picture too!

Little Man totally gets it and wants to say things directly to Minion - like 'you can't have my fidget spinner until later!' So I explained that he just needs to talk to me - as they are all part of me, up in my head, and can hear everything he says 😉 so at bedtime he said ' good night all of you!' sooo cute!!

Little Miss understands, but Minion scares her! Understandable really - he's literally completely nutts!! So I just reassured her that mummy is fine as Penny protects her! That Minion is in my thoughts - like when you dream at night! Plus, I told her that the docs have given mummy medicine that makes Minion sleepy! Which she was greatly comforted by!

I have loads more exciting news, but I'll save it for another day! xxx

I've found the silver lining!

Hello little blog!

Well, it's been a little while since I last wrote, but I'm happy to say that things seem to be getting back on track and I'm heading in the right direction again!

I worked out that the problem I was having was due to the HRT the gynae team put me on back in January! All those emotions that were causing me to go suicidal once a month (the whole reason they put me on the implant in the first place was to stop this happening 😉) have been building and building over the months until It's been right back to suicidal once a month again! Not much fun!

I accidentily ran out of my HRT last week (could have been the week before, I can't remember now! 😄) and the difference was staggering! In just 2 days of it being out of my system, I was sooo much better!
I still have to have a conversation with my doctor about this decision - he's been on holiday for a few weeks, but Nigel my mental health bloke seems happy enough!

Things seem possible again! I've even started making jewellery again - but that's another story!
I'm coping better with my kiddies - Little Man has been particularly challenging again - but that's an even longer story that I'll share another time!

Plus, the kids are off to their other grandparents tomorrow until Thursday!!! I am going to celebrate by having a blitz of their toys and starting to sort the house and 'Stoffice' out!
I sure know how to live life to the max hey!?! 😆

Well, that's all from me for now - will try and write again soon!

I think my 'rollercoaster' has broken down!

Hey little blog!

Things don't feel quite 'right' at the moment. I've just had another horrible bug, which wiped me out for a week. Little man and his volcano-eruptions have been really hard lately, plus I'm not sleeping right again and I feel just worn out.

It feels like I'm on one of those giant rollercoasters and we've just climbed up one of those big inclines, with a little plateau at the top, so you can take a breath and admire the pretty view. Then, just before we dive into a giant black tunnel, the rollercoaster has broken down.

So there we are dangling way up their in the air. Arms clamped down on the safety harness knowing that the 'impending doom' is looming just inches away from our noses. No sign of moving anytime soon, as who knows when the mechanic will be along to fix the problem!

One of my voluntary jobs has taken me off the rota as I've been ill so often the last few months, they don't want me stressing and rushing back too soon. I have this dread of letting people down, but I guess by always pushing myself too hard too soon, I burn out again pretty quickly and am no use to anyone!

I've stopped playing the online game Elvenar, which I loved for the social aspect - chatting to people all over the world! I just haven't had time to visit everyday like I used to. I already miss the friends I met there.

My pile of letters from League of Extraordinary Penpals is sat next to me, unopened and a constant reminder that I am letting people down there too, because they are waiting to hear back from me. 

I was buzzing a few weeks ago, when I started getting on with my '4mydadTony' challenge; finding aa personal trainer who is going to help me get fitter and marathon ready for 2020. But I feel exhausted and scared that I'm going to fail before I even begin.

A guess a lot of my anxiety in particular, comes down to the fact that I have to see the people from Universal Credits this week. Ever since I started Universal Credits back in February, all they have done is tell me that my little business is not 'gainful employment' and that maybe I should do something else instead. I have nothing else that I am fit for, as I'm too unreliable to be employed by anyone else. Every time I see them, they look at once piece of paper from all of the files that I lug back and forth, and make me feel like a complete failure. 

Maybe it's not surprising that my rollercoaster has broken down!

Perhaps I should take this time to take stock, rest and gather my strength, before zooming off onto the next bit of track my 'rollercoaster of life' has in store for me!