Walking and the joys it brings!

Hello little blog,

Again, it seems ages since I last wrote - this time it is definitely my Bipolar's fault, as I'm pinging from severely depressed to slightly 'buzzy.' Thankfully I've only had a couple of hypomanic days since my big episode last summer, but I've managed to do the severely depressed really really well, which is annoying for a number of reasons. Firstly, when I'm that low I'm no longer able to function as a human being - I end up living in my jammies, eating only if food is put in front of me and sleeping around 10-15 hours a day - not very helpful when you have 2 kiddies that need you! What is worse though is the second thing, in that where I mentally want to do everything, but my body goes into 'shut-down' mode, I have to watch my poor mum struggling to cope with looking after me, my dad, my 2 kiddies and trying to fit her work in at some point in the day as well.
Anywho, don't want to dwell here, on to nicer things!

So, my new found love of walking came about when I set myself the challenge of running a marathon to raise money for people that suffer from MS, like my dad - as I got a spinal injury a few years back, I can't run as the impact hurts too much, so I power walk instead 😊
As part of my marathon training, I do one long power-walk a week, between 5K and 10K depending on how I feel on the day. I have a route that takes me into the next town over and then looping back home again. I love plugging in a bit of Spotify and stomping off into the sunset - I tend to go in the evenings when the kids are in bed, as I just can't seem to find time during the daytime. It's also brilliant if my kiddies have been little sods at bedtime, as I can blare out some music and stomp off for a few hours - true bliss!

Lately though, because I had to give my driving license back to the DVLA; thanks to my bloomin' bipolar, and the fact that at the moment I'm too unstable to be safe to drive (I wasn't driving by choice anyway, but it hurt having to physically post my actual license back 😢 The other sucky thing is that  I had just sorted the lease on a lovely little Fiesta for 3 years, which for the time being, can only be driven by my mum - sob!) So unless I catch a ride with friends or mum, I am choosing to walk places and I can't believe what an eye-opener it's been!

When I'm walking just for the purpose of getting home; eg from dance class or group therapy sessions (both in the next town over) I stop to take things in! They both link onto my fav power-walking route, which is handy! I do occasionally find myself going down side roads, or mini detours - just so that it varies the scenery and adds to the Kilometers I manage for that day 😉😊
I spent my walk back from group therapy taking in all the gorgeous flowers and plants that I could see along the way home (that nearly made me late picking up the kiddies from school - oops! 😂)
Here are just a few of my favourite ones:

scenes on my walk home from Newbury

Would you believe that these photos were taken as I walked through an industrial area - full of large trade warehouses and offices!

It struck me today as I walked home from group therapy, just how much I was missing when I used to do the same journey in the car! 

💜 I totally forgot that there is a mini waterfall in the green area in front of one of the warehouses! 

💜 I got to process what we had discussed during the therapy session - I don't usually have time to do that if going in the car

💜 I smiled at every single person I passed - some were in their own bubble and not interested, but others gave me great big smiles back, which I just loved!😊

💜 I also got to walk past the queues of traffic stacked back on both of the roads i walked down - all those busy folk heading off to find some lunch - I must admit, during the bits when the sun was out, I totally didn't envy any of them being cooped up in their box-on-wheels! 😂😂

When I got a little closer to home, I took a short-cut through one of the local parks (it has a massive field there) and I got chatting to a lovely old gent as I had stopped to tell him how gorgeous I thought his dog was! The dog looked like a mini version of a 'Lassie Dog' (afraid I can't remember the exact breed name he said) his name was Toby. His owner Norman and I chatted happily for around 10 minutes or so, then I let him get going as big black clouds were rolling in! (I was very happy that I had remembered to put my umbrella in my bag, as I didn't have a coat!) 

I wouldn't have enjoyed any of these experiences if I hadn't started my fundraising Marathon Challenge, (plus having my driving license taken away! sob, again😉) Nor would I have met Toby and his owner! So as much as I'm desperate to be allowed to drive again (I have to be consistently 'balanced out' for 3 consecutive months for that to happen!) as I want my independence back! I do think that I will keep walking home from places much more that I used to .

It's also better for the environment and my weight loss journey - I call that a total win-win situation! 😄

Reading Half Marathon!

Hey little blog! 

I know it's been a while again, but sooo much has been going on lately!

By far  the most challenging and scary, was taking part in my first ever race - Reading Half Marathon! As the main focus of my fundraising project '4mydadTony' (raising money to help people who suffer from MS like my dad) the BIG challenge is the Marathon in 2020 and I set myself the smaller challenge of running a Half Marathon in 2019!

Well, I'm pleased to say that I have now had my first experience of taking part in a Half Marathon and I loved it!!! 😄

I was really luck and grabbed a lift in with a friend (Paul) who was also taking part - he's done a few half marathons with his wife (who unfortunately was too poorly to take part this time round) so it was nice to be able to chat on the way - my anxiety had been growing steadily for weeks, as Reading is a place that I fear - it's too big, with too many people and too much noise, so I usually have panic attacks if I have to go there 😉

I met up with the ladies from the Berkshire MS Therapy Centre - the charity I was running for this time round. They took the following photo: 

just arrived at Madejski Stadium!

The ladies, Yvonne and Rachel, then came and joined me in the race village, where we chatted - mostly about pets, as I was picking Yvonne's brain about dogs as she's a dog groomer and behaviouralist (so awesome tips on good dog breeds for first time owners and families!) I was very grateful, as I had just broken my headphones, so would not be able to 'run' like i normally do with the music that calms my anxiety 😟

lining up in the Pink Zone, waiting to start!

Soon it was time to line up with all the other runners. I chatted to a lovely south african lady on the way to the Pink Zone (for the slowest runners, like me) who was giving me lots of tips and encouragement 😊

I met up with my friend Paul again and also another friend Nicky and we all walked and talked for the 35mins that it took to finally cross the start-line - we had started at the back of the Pink Zone you see, so with around 17,000 runners, it took a while for us to 'officially begin' 😉

As I can't technically 'run' (due to my spinal injury a few years ago) i was soon overtaken until i was the last person, power-walking as fast as I could. Unfortunately, all of the crowds and noise was too overwhelming for me and I had 2 panic attacks! I kept going though - helped along by a lovely bloke called Dave - who walked along beside me and gave me some tips and encouragement - he was impressed by my technique - arms swinging are a good thing apparently! He gave me some last quick tips before I got my head down and dug deep to get up the bloomin' big hill that I had come upto!

Well, I managed as best I could to keep going, but after 6 miles, when I was on the road leading upto the University, a decision was made to scoop me up. Just before that happened, the safety guy Andy, has shot past me to head off a car that was coming my way! I still have no idea how the driver got past all of the road blocks, but very grateul  to Andy.

It was Andy who suggested that for my safety and so that I didn't get lost when I made it to un-maned stations, I agreed to get onto the 'sweeper' van - I did cry at the guy from the van, Steve, as I was so desperate to complete the race, as it was for charity. He agreed that I could get out and complete the last mile, which I was happy with, so I sat back and enjoyed the ride, whilst sipping the Lucozade Steve had given me.

It was a good laugh on the Sweeper Van - Steve had marshalled races up in Nottingham for years (I am def going to look into doing that one!) and the driver Carol had also helped in a few races as well. We picked up a poor guy who had twisted his ankle, and enjoyed cheering on the runners just infront of us - I nicknamed them the 'pink ladies'  (they had those posh walking pole thingies and all had pink tops) there was 'grandad' a guy who was older, wearing a yellow top and then Jaqueline who was doing a great job too!

My back started to cause me problems, sitting in the van, so I begged Steve to let me out, so that I could walk the rest of the way. I asked if I could keep pace with 'grandad' would that be ok and he agreed. The injured guy decided to hop out too, so that we could both do the final 3 miles of the race.

Well, as Andy in the black safety car said t pick up the pace, I soon shot past 'Grandad' down the rod next to Prospect Park, onto the A4 and round the corner, keeping up with the others, when I stopped. There was no way that I was going to let 'Grandad' walk across that finish line all on his own! So, I started walking back to him and caucght up with him - there was a bit of confusion and worry that I wasn't ok, but I just kept to his pace and explained how lonely I had been at the back for the first 6 miles, so didn't want that for him. 

Turns out his name was John, he was 79 and this was his 20th and final race! He gave me some great tips, like the 'traffic light' focus - spy one in the distance, then keep your head down and when you look up again you can be really happy that it's loads closer! I kept pace with him and there was a lot of 'Left, left, left right left' and 'come on John, we've got this' which helped keep both of us moving! 😊  He held my hand for the final mile and that was how we crossed the finish line! Magic moment!

I was surprised that I was still allowed a medal, even though I only completed just over 9 miles, but overjoyed doesn't do justice to how happy I was to finish! 

The Roller Coaster of Life!

Hey little blog,
Sorry it's been a while, again! Life has been pretty chaotic lately - sooo much has been going on!

One of the most important and amazingly helpful things I've found in the last 3 months, is the Group Therapy sessions I've been going to! 😊 Every Tuesday morning, we all gather in a little room to share, discuss, advise and praise each other on the events or issues that have arisen during the week. (we've also been doing some extra art therapy sessions at our local College, on Tuesday afternoons, which has also been amazing, but I'll tell you about that another time 😉)

During one of the sessions, I bought up the little image I get when I'm not in a good place - that I'm not even in the 'cart' on the tracks of the Roller Coaster of Life!' I am clinging onto the edge of the cart, holding on for dear-life as my feet fly out behind me, as desperatley try to get back into the safety of the cart!
One of the psych nurses added to this image the idea that sometimes you don't actually have to get on the roller coaster at all! He explained that in all good theme parks, the roller coaster rides usually have a 2-ish hour queue! So while you are standing in that line, you have the power to turn around and leave - to decide that actually you don't fancy even getting on the roller coaster ride today! This was mind-blowing for me!!

So now, I have different scenarios for my 'Roller Coaster of Life':

💜 I'm on the Roller Coaster and I'm actually enjoying the ride!
💜 I'm on the Roller Coaster and we've just climbed up a very long bit of track, that leads to a little breathing space 'plateau' at the top. Then just before we get to the massive drop that we all know is coming, the ride breaks down! So now we are all left staring at the massive drop, terrified, as we know eventually the ride will be fixed and we will drop!
💜 I'm at the front of the queue and still can't decide whether I want to get on the Roller Coaster today, or not.
💜 I'm waiting in the queue and I turn around and leave!
💜 I'm looking at the queue for the Roller Coaster and I decided to head off and try one of the other rides in the Theme Park - maybe the Tea Cups, for a change!
💜 It's time for a break - so I flop down on a picnic blanket for some lunch and a rest!

The best bit of this 'Roller Coaster of Life' thing? You never know where you are going to be from one day to the next! Exciting isn't it 😉

With Understanding Comes Progress

Hey little blog!

Sorry it's been a while again since I last wrote, but have been in a really bad place again. Basically, I've spent the last 3 weeks asleep! I've slept from 10 to 14 hours a day and annoyingly, it was all during the daytime - the time I should have been awake, doing all the 'mummy' jobs I would normally do.

Instead, I got to experience the vicious 'Guilt Cycle' which I hate - I feel bad because I can't do all of the things I want to be doing; like school runs or helping make dinner or lunch. As a result, everything falls onto my mum, and as much as I hate seeing her struggling daily to run the house, her business and look after me, dad and my kids, I physically have no energy or strength to help, no matter how much I want to! It is just the worst feeling ever!
Then my kids, who seem to have a knack of acting up when I'm not doing well, make things all seem 100 times worse! Their behaviour goes from bad to worse, the longer I'm 'out of action', which makes me feel even more guilty and this cycle just keeps repeating again and again 😢

Weirdly though, I woke up last Friday and it was like someone had flicked a switch from 'weak, dizzy sleep-a-holic' to 'alert, raring to go insomniac!' Instead of the 10 to 14 hours of sleep I had been having, I went to getting less that 5 hours!
I now have the energy to do loads of stuff, which is better than the sleep-a-holic, but the down side is that no matter how exhausted my body is, when I try to sleep at night, my brain just won't switch off! This wasn't a gradual thing either, I literally switched from one 'mode' to the other overnight! At least it has proven to me that my diagnosis of bi-polar is definitely right! 😉

One good thing about my current insomnia is that I've had loads of time to think! I've started processing all of the things that have happened since my hyper-manic episode began way back in July! I've found out lots of things about the different 'me's' (manic me, depressed me and peacekeeper me) For instance, manic me loves bright colours like red and green, while depressed me prefers much darker colours like blues and purples! It's been fascinating process learning about 'me, myself and I' 😊

Also, for the first time in the 19 years that I have suffered from mental health issues, I finally understand and accept that I shouldn't beat myself up when I'm not doing good; when I can't do all of the things I want to do because my body has just shut down into 'hibernate' mode!

My mum always tells me that when I'm well and in a good place, I do heaps! Then when I'm not in a good place and my body just refuses to work, it's not a problem - it's ok!
Even after the years of therapy and my mum constantly reassuring me and reminding me to be kinder to myself,  I have only really accepted this fact in the last few days! This acceptance and understanding has been a total game changer for me! I'm beginning to treat myself with kindness and compassion (something I easily manage to do when helping friends in similar situations to me!)
I've accepted that I have no control over how I am going to be from one day to the next; but more importantly, I now know that this doesn't make me a failure! I'm just having a bad time of it and doing the best I can - which is all I can ask of myself.

I'm also trying to be more positive in my thinking and 'inner-monologue.' I'm trying to focus more on the things that I have manage to achieve each day (like doing both of the school runs!) rather than overwhelming myself with all the things I 'should' have done. It's made a massive difference in how I feel! For so long, I have travelled along the negative thoughts 'path'. It's familiar; a path that I have trodden for years and years. somewhere where I feel comfortable, in spite of it being such a bleak, dreary place.

Now I'm branching out in a completely new direction - a positive, optimistic path, that for years I have often started along, but never managed to stick to.  The negative things are so much easier to find, so I always end up back on the familiar, pessimistic-path sooner or later.
Now, I feel stronger and happier with my lot in life! I understand and truly believe that I am worthy of the life I have been dealt - I'm not worthless, or useless, or a burden!

With all of this new insight and understanding about myself and my illness, I am finally embracing this crazy thing called life, and enjoying the journey! No matter what twists, turns and obstacles come along, I am going to face them head on! I may need to take little rests once in a while, and I might take a few wrong turns, but I'm definitely not going to turn around and head back to that old, bleak path I favoured for so long! With understanding, real progress has been achieved! 😊

4mydadTony Fundraising challenge

Hello little blog,

Sorry it's been a while since I last wrote - lots of things have been going on, but the most exciting has been to do with my Fundraising Challenge, to help people with MS!

You may remember that I wrote about my New Big Goal, which was an awesome starting point! Things have taken a slightly different direction, in light of my bipolar diagnosis, so I thought I'd share a little update with you all.

The original plan was for me to raise £22K to help pay for a big Wheelchair Accessible Car (WAC), that would fit all of the family and my dad comfortably. Well, now that I am probably not going to be moving out of my parents house for some time (well, not until a lovely fella comes along and sweeps me off my feet 😉) we had a re-think about how best to spend the money raised - the big WAC would no longer fit the needs of everyone. So we decided on a new plan - my parents would get a much smaller WAC, that would fit both of their mobility issues and I will save for a family car myself.

My dad hasn't been on holiday for over 2 years now - he either has to go into respite care or have a live-in carer stay with him, which I hate, as i feel so sad having to leave him behind, while we all go off for a fun family holiday. So, some of the money raised is going to go on a lovely family holiday - for my dad and the entire family to enjoy!

Then we had the job of deciding what to do with the rest of the money raised. Well, I met a friend of a friend whose wife also has MS like my dad and she attends a therapy centre for people with MS! So, that is where the remainder of the money raised is going, The Berkshire MS Therapy Centre!

I have already had a couple of fundraising events to help 'kick start' the money raising efforts -
Firstly I held an online Facebook Auction - I asked all of my creative friends if they would be willing to donate any pieces for the auction - to say that I was blown away with their generosity is a total understatement!! The auction went really well and overall raise £264! I have decided to hold another auction in December, perfect timing for some unique Christmas Gifts!

Some of the items donated!

 Next fundraising event, was a pamper evening that I held at a local Hotel. It was a really nice evening, with lots of different stallholders from massage therapists, to nails and skincare products 😊 the only downside was that where I had been so ill for 3 months, all of the final organising was crammed into just a few weeks! It was def a big learning curve and I have already got plans for another similar event next year! That event raised £261 and that was only with a few people there - plus all of the money from selling jewellery that a friend and I had made (we're going into business together - more on that another day!!)

If you fancy checking out my progress, I have a Facebook group called 4mydadTony - I've been uploading my progress and sharing videos of my fitness progress - did I tell you that I have signed up for Reading Half Marathon next Spring!?! I have found a personal trainer who is going to help me on the running side of things - I've been building my fitness levels with HIIT classes, aqua fit and walk/jogs, but I still have a long way to go before I'm Half Marathon Ready! So excited though! 😄

Oh and before I go, I just thought I'd share one little thing extra that I've done recently - I pledged that when my fundraising pot reached £750, I would dye my hair rainbow colours! Well, with generous friends and the online auction, we smashed that goal and so I got a hidden rainbow - which I LOVE!

My next milestone is £2K - then I will get all of my hair rainbow coloured! 😄

Hitting Rock Bottom

Hey little blog,

Sorry it's been a long time since I last wrote, but things have been such a struggle the last few months.

Being diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder has been comforting in a way. I now have a diagnosis that makes sense when I look back over the years at some of my more erratic behaviour, it is totally clear that they were hyper-manic episodes.

What has been awful, is that I am still fighting to get my mood evened out. I have been 9-ish weeks now, trying to come down off of this mania and I'm still no closer and it is more than taking it's toll on family life. I'm sleeping, eating and not managing anything else 😢

Every time I'm not doing good like this, my kids behaviour becomes absolutely awful! They are craving attention, that I'm unable to give at the times that they want (I'm lucky if I fall asleep before 7am, then I physically can't get out of bed until I've had 10-12 hours sleep! My psych team have been increasing my mood stabalisers for 8 weeks now, but it is not having the effect of helping me sleep when I need to.) So we are having daily melt-downs, especially at bedtimes, which I am struggling to deal with, and leave me exhausted and suicidal!

My poor mum is having to do everything; look after me, my kids, my disabled dad and try and run her own business! She is absolutely exhausted and the guilt cycle I'm currently on is killing me! Plus she is going for an operation on Friday! I have to be better by then, or my kids won't get to school! 

I know that everything would be so much better, if I could just get to sleep at a 'normal' time!

My mum has tried to explain all of this to my GPs (it's not always easy to get a phone call with my registered GP, so can be the emergency doc) but as yet, they have refused to give me a sleeping tablet or something to help me get to sleep at the right time of night! They keep saying that the mood stabalisers will work eventually! I absolutely agree, every time I've had problems like these in the past, eventually I do sort myself out. However, this time, I don't think my sanity, or my mum's for that matter can take the waiting game any longer!

Well, things hit major crisis point last night, after another horrendous bedtime with the kids, plus being on the receiving end of Little Man's rage after school. My mum ended up calling the Crisis Team and they wanted me to go to A&E for an emergency assessment. I didn't want to go. 

Today, someone from the mental health unit came to see me, as I didn't go to A&E. She is going to get me some meds to sort out my sleeping cycle! Apparently, she said that the sleep deprivation I have been struggling through for weeks now must feel like a form of torture - and I couldn't agree more! I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy!

I hope next time I write, I'll be able to tell you that I'm back sleeping at the right time and am back at work and my voluntary jobs and life is finally starting to get back to 'normal'.

Letter to my Bully

Hey little blog,

So, coming down from this 20 day Manic Episode has been really revelationary!
I have done some things that I would never normally be able to do, as my anxiety always stopped me before!

⭐I wrote a message to a random guy who sent me a friend request on Facebook! We chatted for a few days, before a friend helped me realise that he was a bloomi' CATFISH! But I got the last laugh, as I copied one of the other photos of 'him' from the scammer site and pinged it back to him saying 'is this you?' he then tried to back-track and was like 'where did you get that from?' but I delivered the final blow of googling the photo of his 'son' and sharing with him that actually his name is not Luther, it's Mark!! He blocked me and I deleted the conversation and photos of him! Thankfully I didn't feel like sharing any personal info with him - relied to know that 'manic me' has quite a lot of self control!! 🤣🤣
I managed to bounce back after the initial shock and sadness at being lied to had passed - plus it's been a great learning tool for my kids - you never know if the person on the other end is legit or a liar! 😉

⭐The second things that is pretty 'out there' for me is the burning desire I've had to send the girl who bullied me at school a letter! I guess 14 years of waiting has finally bubbled over now that 'manic me' got released!
I came to an agreement with my psych nurse, that if I write the letter, he would take it away and show it to my psychiatrist - then when I am much calmer, I can either sent it or burn it!

I accidently printed out 2 copies of the letter last night! So while the kids were out at summer club thingy this morning, I decided to go out onto the patio and BURN IT! Watching all of that anger (I must admit, I was more contained and calmly stating facts, rather than mouthing off and swearing heaps like I did in a letter to my ex last week - don't worry I didn't send it! It went off with my psych nurse as well!)

Firstly, 'manic me' thought the fire bit was AWESOME!! But safety conscious as ever, I had my jug of water at the ready 😉 Unfortunately I couldn't get to our BBQ, as I'd have done it in there! I did use quite a few matches, as it was a little windy, but sooo worth it!
Secondly, watching my words go up in flames was such a release! Like I could see 14 years of hatred finally leaving my soul and being carried off on the breeze! A truly 'Ahhh' moment!

So, I don't know if my bully will ever read the words that I finally put down on paper and to be honet I don't really care. She is the past. She can no longer hurt me, as I am strong and finally, I have moved on! 😄